THE 411

Iyaaa. So why are you here? Base, maybe you're an alcoholic and whiskey drew you in? Are you obsessed with dicks? Or do you have one (if so, then congratu-fucking-lations)? Or maybe you are a self-absorbed, ego-centric, masturbating recluse looking to find your people. If so, yep. Well done. You've come to right place.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Get baked and fall in love.

I've decided stoner guys are the way forward. Well, that and also my newest daily feeding routine. This includes: Pop Tarts, Pot Noodle, Pizza. . . All the foods beginning with "P" are great!?... Pasta, Pancakes, Party Rings...

Anyway, check out today's lunch:

[#omgyummaaaayyyyy #imsocoolimusinghashtag #LUNCH]

Okay, so I know maybe it's not practical to spend all of my time with my new stoner boyfriend - it's just that it's so hard to leeeeeeeeeave. I also know that every drug has its drawbacks [every time I do coke, I always end up texting my best friend's boyfriend and use far too many winkfaces]. But come on. Is weed even a drug?! NATURE CAN'T BE EVIL. NOR CAN IT BE ILLEGAL. 

So hear me out. MJ smokers are the finest kind of men. Trust me, I've been there...I'm telling you I'm so converted that I might change my name to Mary-Jane. . . so I can get all the stoner boiz.

10 Reasons To Ditch Your Fellas For Stoner Boys
  1. THEY NEVER TURN DOWN A CUDDLE. It's like they're these like human-sized, man-shaped teddy-bears that just always want affection. Nawwwwwwyeah?
  2. Two for Tuesdays [our romantic weekly Domino's date....on his sofa]. You can't eat two buy yourself, face it. And I never have to feel guilty any more about how much I eat because the more time we spend together is equal to the amount we eat together. Which means he just likes me more. I love putting on weight now. It's a true sign that I'm in love.
  3. I don't have to text him all the time! I mean, what's with guys who send me texts saying 'How are you? Miss you already xxxxxxxxxx' and then 2 hours later I get, '??????'. LEAVE ME ALONE. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I'M STILL ALIVE. You see, the stoner fellas just don't bother sending a text at all. They just assume I'll be around at 4.20. 
  4. He'll love all your illogical worldly perspectives. It's like everything you say is so interesting and righteous. AND ALSO SO FUNNY [I don't have the heart to tell him I'm actually not funny....]. I've never felt better about myself.
  5. I win every board game and this makes me feel clever. Even when we're both blazed, the female attention span is still just so much better ;)
  6. He loves all my favourite movies. In fact, watching movie's is pretty much all we do...wouldn't you want a man that would watch The Notebook with you three times in one day?
  7. Say goodbye to morning breath with the wake and bake.
  8. Making out will never stop feeling amazing. Neither will laughing. It's a non-exhaustive kind of love. YAY: HONEYMOON PERIOD EXTENDED FOR AN EXTRA FEE OF £20 A WEEK!!!!! [but if you're really good at kissing that might even be free for you $$$$£££$£$$$£]
  9. All you have to do to impress his friends is bring snacks. None of that high-heels-lip-gloss-flirtatious-laughing crap, or showing off how funny you are when you're drunk [things that also might make your boyfriend not like you anyway...], just stock up on the Oreo's...

  10. EVERY DAY IS A LAZY DAY. What can be better than wearing pyjama's and lying in bed blazing all day when there's a hot guy lying next to you doing the same thing? 

So that's why I've converted galssss. I'm no longer dealing with drunk, misogynistic LADZZZ, it's stoner art kids all the way.