THE 411

Iyaaa. So why are you here? Base, maybe you're an alcoholic and whiskey drew you in? Are you obsessed with dicks? Or do you have one (if so, then congratu-fucking-lations)? Or maybe you are a self-absorbed, ego-centric, masturbating recluse looking to find your people. If so, yep. Well done. You've come to right place.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

WelCUM.

Hey Bitch,

Okay so I'm totally bored right now. I've already masturbated like three times today and watched a whole series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and I started reading a blog about what some girl I went to school with when I was six had for lunch. I mean what is up with this whole blogging thing? I figured there isn't really that much to do. How hard can it be to talk about yourself daily? So I thought I'd give it a go. But I'm not posting crappy pictures of what I ate for lunch (by the way I had a cinnamon bagel), instead I'm going to take this opportunity to waste my time and publicly humiliate myself since it's what I do most of the time anyway. At least this way I can pretend people care about my stupid feminist rants and very strong misinformed opinions, and maybe even get some cute comments from bored followers telling me how much they love my new haircut/boobs/eyelashes/everything about me etc. 

Turns out it wasn't so easy, because I was stumped by the title the minute I set up an account. Blog titles are just so important, like they represent you. AND YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY. I couldn't fuck that shit up. I am an artist. Truth being most of the things I care about evolve around sex and my vagina, so I wanted to name it something with 'vagina' in, but then I remembered that I've already been beaten to this:



Seeing as this play was put on to raise money for victims of domestic violence, I didn't want people associating this with that (but seriously, go and see it; deep shit). And plus, I wanted this blog to be solely about ME. I couldn't just copy the use of the word of vagina - I mean that's basically plagiarism (and I had to suck a teacher's dick once to get out of that trap). Instead, I spent hours searching for a nice and cute word for vagina to make my own pun with.

WHY ARE THERE NO NICE WORDS FOR VAGINA? 

It's sexist, and sick, and wrong.


For example, here are some nice names for 'Penis':

  • Rocket
  • Lolly
  • Willy
  • Shaft
  • Snake
  • Joy Stick
  • Schlong
  • Disco Stick (Cheers 4 dis one Mz Gaga xoxo)
  • Long Dong Silver
  • Popsicle
  • The general and his colonels
  • P.h.D
And what do women get stuck with? 
  • Vadge
  • Gash
  • Axewound
  • Badly Wrapped Kebab
  • Pootang
  • Cooch
  • Minge
  • Cum Bucket
  • Meat Wallet
  • Clunge
  • Flange
  • Blue Waffle
  • Muff
  • Cream Pie
  • Cum Dumpster
This is totally fucking riDICK. I bet these words were all made up by immature school kids and really sexist men who are just scared of insanely hot women like Paris Hilton get any societal power (that's misogyny right there...especially as they still let their secretaries suck them off under the table during lunch). Trust me...all bosses do that. Fucking sexist prats.

So vagina had to be a forgotten dream, and as I sat there drinking away my Irish coffee and pouting at myself on my iPhone camera, I came to it: Whiskey Disks and Narcissists. I hope you like it. Because that's what this entire blog revolve around: sex, me, drinking, smoking and in-depth records of anything embarrassing a boy has ever said to me. 

Love ya  x


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