THE 411

Iyaaa. So why are you here? Base, maybe you're an alcoholic and whiskey drew you in? Are you obsessed with dicks? Or do you have one (if so, then congratu-fucking-lations)? Or maybe you are a self-absorbed, ego-centric, masturbating recluse looking to find your people. If so, yep. Well done. You've come to right place.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Get baked and fall in love.


I've decided stoner guys are the way forward. Well, that and also my newest daily feeding routine. This includes: Pop Tarts, Pot Noodle, Pizza. . . All the foods beginning with "P" are great!?... Pasta, Pancakes, Party Rings...

Anyway, check out today's lunch:

 
[#omgyummaaaayyyyy #imsocoolimusinghashtag #LUNCH]

Okay, so I know maybe it's not practical to spend all of my time with my new stoner boyfriend - it's just that it's so hard to leeeeeeeeeave. I also know that every drug has its drawbacks [every time I do coke, I always end up texting my best friend's boyfriend and use far too many winkfaces]. But come on. Is weed even a drug?! NATURE CAN'T BE EVIL. NOR CAN IT BE ILLEGAL. 



So hear me out. MJ smokers are the finest kind of men. Trust me, I've been there...I'm telling you I'm so converted that I might change my name to Mary-Jane. . . so I can get all the stoner boiz.

10 Reasons To Ditch Your Fellas For Stoner Boys
  1. THEY NEVER TURN DOWN A CUDDLE. It's like they're these like human-sized, man-shaped teddy-bears that just always want affection. Nawwwwwwyeah?
  2. Two for Tuesdays [our romantic weekly Domino's date....on his sofa]. You can't eat two buy yourself, face it. And I never have to feel guilty any more about how much I eat because the more time we spend together is equal to the amount we eat together. Which means he just likes me more. I love putting on weight now. It's a true sign that I'm in love.
  3. I don't have to text him all the time! I mean, what's with guys who send me texts saying 'How are you? Miss you already xxxxxxxxxx' and then 2 hours later I get, '??????'. LEAVE ME ALONE. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I'M STILL ALIVE. You see, the stoner fellas just don't bother sending a text at all. They just assume I'll be around at 4.20. 
  4. He'll love all your illogical worldly perspectives. It's like everything you say is so interesting and righteous. AND ALSO SO FUNNY [I don't have the heart to tell him I'm actually not funny....]. I've never felt better about myself.
  5. I win every board game and this makes me feel clever. Even when we're both blazed, the female attention span is still just so much better ;)
  6. He loves all my favourite movies. In fact, watching movie's is pretty much all we do...wouldn't you want a man that would watch The Notebook with you three times in one day?
  7. Say goodbye to morning breath with the wake and bake.
  8. Making out will never stop feeling amazing. Neither will laughing. It's a non-exhaustive kind of love. YAY: HONEYMOON PERIOD EXTENDED FOR AN EXTRA FEE OF £20 A WEEK!!!!! [but if you're really good at kissing that might even be free for you $$$$£££$£$$$£]
  9. All you have to do to impress his friends is bring snacks. None of that high-heels-lip-gloss-flirtatious-laughing crap, or showing off how funny you are when you're drunk [things that also might make your boyfriend not like you anyway...], just stock up on the Oreo's...

  10. EVERY DAY IS A LAZY DAY. What can be better than wearing pyjama's and lying in bed blazing all day when there's a hot guy lying next to you doing the same thing? 

So that's why I've converted galssss. I'm no longer dealing with drunk, misogynistic LADZZZ, it's stoner art kids all the way. 

LOVE BITCHES
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

The 'THOU SHALL' resolutions for 2013

Hey babe, 

You know how we always make stupid New Years Resolutions that make us try to 'better people' and make us do more work and be kinder and all that boring crap? Let's not do that this year. No one even keeps that stuff. I gave up lying on the 2nd January when I told my friend that her new 'short, shaved and bleached' hair cut was cute. Only Miley Cyrus can pull that off. So this year, the resolutions should all be things that are designed with the sole purpose of making ourselves happy right? Cos if you're happy, you not only stop negative atmospheres everywhere but you also just look so much hotter. If you are not happy, you are at risk of gaining one of the following diseases: weight gain; ugly boyfriend syndrome; 'i have nothing to wear'; a constant crooked jawline at every party; unhygienic lifestyle. So, if they are all tailored towards being happy, we're bound to keep them, and then having kept them all therefore means that we'll feel like amazing people when next January comes around. So here is to 2013 and being sexy and selfish.

Love JackieeeeeEEeeee. x


Uno: BE MORE SELFISH. More ME time. Less YOU time. It's about MY FEELINGS. I mean, you've gotta care about his and stuff, but remember that this is a really important time for you, so let's just always say how we feel, BE HONEST WITH EMOTIONS AND GET WHAT WE WANT. It's sort of like when Julian Casablancas sang that 'my feelings are more important than yours - drop dead, I don't care, I won't worry'.




And yeah, basically whatever Julian Casablancas says goes. Because he is a God. I mean just LOOK AT HIM, he's giving me that look that's like, 'I'm so dark and meaningful and look like I'm just going to fuck you up but also by the way I'm totally a nice dad and have a beautiful wife and I'm just generally a beautiful person underneath it all'. Okay, you know what, he's just such a yum delish babe that I'm going to treat you to ANOTHER picture of him, this time rocking his inspiring feather look and being all EDGY.





Due:  Make my life more relaxing and shit. This means genie trousers, lots of baths, more mirrors, a new vibrator, lots of incense sticks, feathers and cushions everywhere, sequins and glitter on everything I own. You get the jist.


Tre: Stop sleeping with all the wrong people (HA. HA. HA. HA. HAAAAA)

Quattro: Spend less money - or, rather, stop spending on others. The cat needs to lose a few pounds anyway. And if I stopped spending on others, I could probably afford this 2012 Chanel bag by next new years': 



















Of course, by then it will be out of season, but Chanel goes Vintage in 5 years so I'll be leader of the retro chic by 2018. This can only be a good investment. 

Cinque: Drink less. By this, I mean LESS WATER. Drink more alcohol instead. Starting the day with a bowl of cereal mixed with rum is possibly the best and happiest way to wake up.

Sei: Lose 6 pounds. Wait, who are we kidding? We're practically perfect.


Sette: Be a professional stranger. Approach random people and find out who people are, where they're from, and ask them if they're happy. This both makes you seem like an interested and deep person while making you feel like you have loads of friends. Bonus. Oh, and always give them a hug. 

Otto: WATCH MORE BLACK AND WHITE FILMS. Sometimes I wish that life was in black and white. Everybody would just be so beautiful. 


I'm going to start with Some Like It Hot for the 2nd January. I've seen it over a hundred times, I'm sure, but I just love the bit where Daphne gets out the maraca's and says she/he is engaged to the millionaire:



And the part where Marilyn Monroe is all, "All that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out."


Nove: Quit smoking. (JUZ JOKIN SOZ FOR GIVIN U A <3 ATTACKKK AT THAT LIEEEE)

Dieci: So here we come to the final resolution. Basically I said to you earlier that the most important thing was to make ourselves happy, right? So I thought, what makes me the most happy? MYSELF. So I should write more about me. I hope you enjoy it babe. 

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Sexarette

Hey bitch,

It's Jackie again. So I've been thinking, being alone for a while could really do me some good, you know? Like, I feel like I'm really finding myself now. For instance, today I went to the shop across the road and bought some white mugs and painted them with nail varnish. I told my mum that I'd made the mugs myself. She was well impressed (like I said, I'm an artist). But I've since decided (two hours ago) that my true calling might be photography. Like earlier, when I was in the bath washing off all of the nail varnish fumes, I played some CocoRosie from my laptop and got the webcam up to take a photo of me pulling a vacant face that said, "I'm pure but you've broken me". It's such a beaut. I might even have to give it to my ma for Christmas, since she's always banging on about how I should start expressing myself creatively. DUH. 


However, there are some complications with this new life of celibacy I have chosen for myself. You see, I've recently discovered that if I bend across my desk and stick my head out of the window to smoke, I can stop my room from stinking of cigarettes. This also means that my body is displayed in a totally hot, provocative manner, so maybe I should get a boyfriend who can fuck me from behind while I enjoy my cigarette out of the window. Of course, my desk is pretty low, which means the boy would have to be kinda short - and apart from Jerry (my ex-sailor boy), I don't really know any fuckable shawtiez. Problem with Jerry is that there really is no appropriate way of telling someone you want to get back with them just so you can try out this new sexarette position (sex cigarette position). (Should I apply to write for Cosmo? Discuss.) 

Really and truly though, I should continue this journey of falling in love with myself instead. This includes masturbating copious amounts, writing 'YOU ARE RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL; I'D FUCK YOU' all over my mirror and reading inspirational quotes on Tumblr. And let's face it, I have a lot of reason to love myself: sometimes I don't think so, but then I remember that I'm like, actually super clever. Sometimes when I'm feeling like a real bitch, I look up Uni League tables to see Jerry's ranking at 93 standing so pathetically behind my bold, sexy figure of 7. (Of course then I remember that I haven't been in a lecture in a week because I discovered that I can have self-induced three-minute-long orgasms and I just feel like crying...then this realisation just leads me to masturbating again). It's a vicious cycle. But I'll get there, one day a time. Just like Tumblr says. 



Love x

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

WelCUM.

Hey Bitch,

Okay so I'm totally bored right now. I've already masturbated like three times today and watched a whole series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and I started reading a blog about what some girl I went to school with when I was six had for lunch. I mean what is up with this whole blogging thing? I figured there isn't really that much to do. How hard can it be to talk about yourself daily? So I thought I'd give it a go. But I'm not posting crappy pictures of what I ate for lunch (by the way I had a cinnamon bagel), instead I'm going to take this opportunity to waste my time and publicly humiliate myself since it's what I do most of the time anyway. At least this way I can pretend people care about my stupid feminist rants and very strong misinformed opinions, and maybe even get some cute comments from bored followers telling me how much they love my new haircut/boobs/eyelashes/everything about me etc. 

Turns out it wasn't so easy, because I was stumped by the title the minute I set up an account. Blog titles are just so important, like they represent you. AND YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY. I couldn't fuck that shit up. I am an artist. Truth being most of the things I care about evolve around sex and my vagina, so I wanted to name it something with 'vagina' in, but then I remembered that I've already been beaten to this:



Seeing as this play was put on to raise money for victims of domestic violence, I didn't want people associating this with that (but seriously, go and see it; deep shit). And plus, I wanted this blog to be solely about ME. I couldn't just copy the use of the word of vagina - I mean that's basically plagiarism (and I had to suck a teacher's dick once to get out of that trap). Instead, I spent hours searching for a nice and cute word for vagina to make my own pun with.

WHY ARE THERE NO NICE WORDS FOR VAGINA? 

It's sexist, and sick, and wrong.


For example, here are some nice names for 'Penis':

  • Rocket
  • Lolly
  • Willy
  • Shaft
  • Snake
  • Joy Stick
  • Schlong
  • Disco Stick (Cheers 4 dis one Mz Gaga xoxo)
  • Long Dong Silver
  • Popsicle
  • The general and his colonels
  • P.h.D
And what do women get stuck with? 
  • Vadge
  • Gash
  • Axewound
  • Badly Wrapped Kebab
  • Pootang
  • Cooch
  • Minge
  • Cum Bucket
  • Meat Wallet
  • Clunge
  • Flange
  • Blue Waffle
  • Muff
  • Cream Pie
  • Cum Dumpster
This is totally fucking riDICK. I bet these words were all made up by immature school kids and really sexist men who are just scared of insanely hot women like Paris Hilton get any societal power (that's misogyny right there...especially as they still let their secretaries suck them off under the table during lunch). Trust me...all bosses do that. Fucking sexist prats.

So vagina had to be a forgotten dream, and as I sat there drinking away my Irish coffee and pouting at myself on my iPhone camera, I came to it: Whiskey Disks and Narcissists. I hope you like it. Because that's what this entire blog revolve around: sex, me, drinking, smoking and in-depth records of anything embarrassing a boy has ever said to me. 

Love ya  x